New quotes are added quite regularly at the bottom of this list!

Even if you are in a minority of one, the truth is still the truth.
Gandhi

No water tastes like lemonade.
Nicky Wire [Manic Street Preachers]

He's nuttier than a squirrel turd.
Jim Carey in 'Me, Myself and Irene'

It's hard to get by when your arse is the size of a small country.
Neil Hannon [The Divine Comedy]

Sometimes in politics, you've got to lie and I think we should be honest about that.
Charles Kennedy. Taken from Private Eye's Colemanballs.

I am in no humour to give consequence to young ladies who have been slighted by other men.
Mr Darcy in 'Pride and Prejudice'

If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Debs Jenkin

Their music makes me all filthy and excited.
Jools Holland on The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion

All things work together for good for those that love God and are called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28, The Bible

Too often we live by demands rather than priorities.
A. J. Ayer. With thanks to Rob Telford.

Most gays have heterosexual parents.
Anon.

Most things I have done are not my fault so I can't feel guilty about them.
George Best. Taken from Private Eye's Colemanballs.

He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot loose.
Jim Elliot

It's getting light and we've not gone to bed yet!
Josh Radford at 4:30am

Arafat must go.
George W. Bush

No, I'm not going to Rome- I'm going to Italy!
Jo Boley

Get behind me! / Which behind?
Dave Goodman and Anna Jenkin playing rugby on Andy Britton's lawn

Disagree with me if you like, but I can't help it if I'm right.
David Lazarus

You can't be twins AND brothers!
Josh Radford

Knowledge speaks but wisdom listens.
Jimi Hendrix. With thanks to Joe Wignell.

I know where Dan's coming from now. He's got a copy of the Daily Telegraph in front of him.
Michael Sweeney, my A level Media Studies teacher

I'll thank you to unhand my fiancée.
Sam in 'The Searchers'

Give your life to Jesus- he can do more with it than you can.
C. T. Studd. With thanks to Tom Spain.

How lucky to believe in God without the burden of religion.
Evelyn Waugh. With thanks to Kathy Moden.

Movies are life with the dull bits cut out.
Alfred Hitchcock

On the first day, I noticed small teethmarks in the chocolate. But the speed at which the letters disappeared surprised me.
George Moorman of Haarlem, Holland on the fate of his art exhibition [which was made of chocolate]. Taken from the Sunday Times News Review section.

If God had intended us to walk, he would not have given us feet that fit pedals.
Sir Sterling Moss

You only know as much of God as you want to know.
A. W. Tozer. With thanks to Tom Spain.

This can't be 'Silence of the Lambs'! Where are all the sheep?
Lydia Rose

Not again! That big drip gets me on the head every time.
A lady in the sweet shop in Loughborough

Many people avoid discovering the secret of success, because deep down, they suspect the secret may be hard work.
Anon. With thanks to Kathy Moden.

It's remarkable how long people even with a bad memory can recall the favours they did for you.
Anon. With thanks to Kathy Moden.

This is not a civilised society. This is a school!
David Clorely

Mozzerella cheese comes from buffalo / Oh! I thought cheese came from milk.
John Fitzgerald and Anna Moran, media studies 28/01/03

I think causing offence is important and beneficial to humanity. People should be offended three times a week and twice on Sunday.
Sir John Mortimer. Taken from the Sunday Times News Review section.

If English was good enough for Jesus Christ, it's good enough for me.
A US congressman to Dr David Davis, head of the Joint National Committee on Language. From Bill Bryson's "Mother Tongue"

Shut up you monkey! Curses be upon your moustache!
Izzat Ibrahim [Iraqi diplomat] calls down the most severe curses on Sheikh Mohammed [the Kuwaiti foreign minister]

Dead slow or dead. Please yourself.
Seen on a road sign in Nigeria approaching a 100ft drop. Taken from The Daily Telegraph.

I was wondering who the hell he was talking about!
The Duke of Edinburgh, after hearing a list of his achievements. Taken from the Sunday Times News Review section.

It's exciting to have a real crisis on your hands, when you have spent half your political life dealing with humdrum issues like the environment.
Margaret Thatcher on the Falklands war

Run in the corridors! Run!
Rowntree in 'If....'

We all agree that forgiveness is a beautiful idea until we have to practice it.
C. S. Lewis

He who would glorify his God must set his account upon meeting with many trials. No man can be illustrious before the Lord unless his conflicts be many. If then, yours be a much-tried path, rejoice in it because you will the better show forth the all-sufficient nature of God. As for his failing you, never dream of it! Hate the thought! The God who has been sufficient until now should be trusted to the end.
C. H. Spurgeon. With thanks to Kathy Moden.

We must learn how to speak to children... Respect the child and treat it as a person.
From 'The Art of Preaching' by Bruce Oates. With thanks to Adrian Harris.

Anybody who has to ask for advice probably doesn't have any close relatives.
Anon.

I like Wagner's music better than anybody's. It is so loud that one can talk the whole time without other people hearing what one says.
Oscar Wilde. With thanks to Jenny Williams.

A woman's advice is never worth having, yet no one but a fool refused to follow it.
Spanish proverb. With thanks to Jenny Williams.

If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
Al Capone

"Birmingham" from the root word "ming". The centre of "Birmingham" is "ming".
Andy Britton

What does 'H&M' stand for? / 'His and Hers'
Dave Goodman and Emily Sothcott-Gilson

The modern definition of a racist is someone who wins an argument with a liberal.
Peter Brimelow

Nothing is so uselss as a general maxim.
Thomas B. Macaulay

God is everywhere, even though we can't see him. He's the one who opens the doors at the supermarket.
George Anderson

God created Adam before Eve because he wanted no advice on the matter.
Anon.

It's incredible how much intelligence is used in this world to prove a lot of nonsense.
Anon. With thanks to Kathy Moden.

We are going to win this election. I really believe that. I'm not bullsh***ing.
Iain Duncan Smith realises his PR man is useless and decides to make himself more obvious to the public. From the Daily Telegraph.

Obviously, like Wembley is synonymous with tennis, snooker is synonymous with Sheffield.
Richard Caborn, Minister for Sport.
I am informed that about a year ago, Radio 5 Live broadcast a sports quiz. About 15 to 20 sporting personalities participated, along with Mr Caborn. He finished in last position. My thanks are due to Clive Matthews for this tasty morsel.

I am on two diets at the moment. Because you don't get enough to eat with one.
Peter Sissons. Taken from the Sunday Times News Review section.

We blocked them inside the city. Their rear is blocked.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, Iraqi Information Minister

Worrying is a lot like a rocking chair- it gives you something to do, but doesn't get you very far.
Attributed to Dave Wilkins

Oh... ringing in my ears. Can you hear that?
Debs Jenkin

Do you believe in love at first sight, or shall I walk past again?
Flea from the delirious.org.uk forums

It is a happy way of soothing sorrow when we can feel- "He careth for me". Christian, do not dishonour religion by always wearing a brow of care; come, cast your burden upon your Lord.
C. H. Spurgeon. With thanks to Kathy Moden.

Some tasks have to put off dozens of times before they completely slip your mind.
Anon. With thanks to Kathy Moden.

O, that we had a more daring faith among us!
C. H. Spurgeon. With thanks to Kathy Moden.

We inhabit a dark universe. One in which we use the few moments of light we are given as points of reference.
The blazing beauty of a tree, or the magnificent calm of the sky. Our treasures are obscured and overshadowed, enveloped. Swallowed by the meaningless dirge. The cry of opression. A hopeless song of confused faces.
I often find myself swept downstream by the song's awe-ful power. Humming along to its prevailing topline. Pain.
But I also seek to express the whole journey. The brief moments of sight. These points of clarity, these expressions of hope, deliverance and the upward struggle of the searching soul. I point with my broken fingers towards the only saftey I know "Greater love hath no man than He..."
Daniel Bedingfield

We'll fix today what your husband mended for you last week.
Seen on a contract workers van.

For God's sake, can you shut up for the summer and let me get on with my job?
John Prescott

I'm non-violent, but if a hawk comes when I'm feeding birds, I lose my temper and get my air rifle.
The peace-loving Dalai Lama

I want you anytime, come on. Sorry, I meant that in a non... whatever it is way.
Tony Blair to a female journalist who asked "Do you want me now?", when trying to clarify whether it was her turn to ask a question.

Can't explain all the feelings that you're making me feel. My heart's in overdrive and you're behind the steering wheel.
From "I Believe In A Thing Called Love" by The Darkness

Teamwork: A group of people doing as I tell them.
From a t-shirt of Debs Jenkin

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx. With thanks to Clive Matthews.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
Oscar Wilde. With thanks to Clive Matthews.

Ok, so what's the speed of dark?
Steven Wright. With thanks to Clive Matthews.

My interest is in the future because I'm going to spend the rest of my life there.
Charles F. Kettering. Taken from a WH Smith carrier bag.

My memory is nearly gone, but I remember two things: that I am a great sinner and that Christ is a great Saviour.
John Newton. With thanks to Kathy Moden.

Opera is where a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of bleeding, he sings.
Anon. With thanks to Kathy Moden.

I was born by Caesarian Section, but not so you'd notice. It's just when I leave a house, I go out through a window.
Steven Wright. With thanks to Clive Matthews.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while, I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
Steven Wright. With thanks to Clive Matthews.

Get your clothes off and get into bed!
Nick Hutch to St Aidan's boys dorm at Ellesmere 2003. With thanks to Clive Matthews.

Alice laughed. "There's no use trying," she said: "one can't believe impossible things." "I daresay you haven't had much practice," said the Queen... "Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."
Lewis Carroll, from "Through The Looking-Glass" (1872)

There is a scandal in the cross and there is a scandal in the teaching of Jesus that is highly unfashionable and highly politically incorrect. And alleluia for that.
Rev John Woolmer

Sir- Research revealing that "women find men more attractive if they pick up a duster" can only help marital harmony. I am looking forward to my wife's response when I enter our bedroom with the vacuum cleaner.
A letter to the Daily Telegraph from Robert Vincent, Andover, Hants on Wednesday 27th August 2003

Strangely enough, it was a joke.
David Abbott, homegroup Wednesday 27th August 2003

Eighty-six years have I served him and he has done me no wrong. How, then, can I blaspheme my King, who saved me?
Polycarp

Making fun of Catholics isn't really blasphemy.
David Abbott

It's new, it's improved: it's old fashioned.
Tom Waits. With thanks to Clive Matthews.

The funkiest, most jiving party on earth.
Boris Johnson on the Conservative Party. With thanks to the council of the Boris Johnson Fanclub.

Yes, there's people raising eyebrows and sticking fingers up at me.
Graham Bright

There's only one word to describe tomorrow: it's going to be perishing, in fact.
Shefali Oza, Midlands Today, 20th October 2003

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Attributed to Andrew Fletcher

Show me a church's songs and I'll show you their theology.
Gordon Fee

"Cheer up, mate" / "I've been up since 7 o'clock, I've just missed two trains, so I'm afraid I'm not feeling very cheerful" / "Fair enough"
Clive and Angry Man, Oxford Street Station, Manchester, Wednesday 26th November 2003

If a thing has to be attempted, one must never think about possibility or impossibility.
C. S. Lewis. With thanks to Isaac Phillips

Most people are not failures. They just started at the bottom and liked it there.
Anon.

I simply fell on him- I didn't mean to kill him.
19-stone German actor, Gunther Kaufmann on how he accidentally squashed his tax adviser to death

There’s no-one else to blame;
I live my life between the fire and the flame.
I’ve built my house where the ocean meets the land,
It’s time to live again, pull my dreams out of the sand.
Let your world be full of colour.
I will carry you, if you carry me.
Martin Smith [Delirious?] from Every Little Thing

England is a country that does not have a reputation for changing its underwear very often.
Elle Macpherson, model and lingerie designer. From the Sunday Times News Review Section. Dedicated to Ben Thatcher.

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one.
Anon.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you have his shoes.
Anon.

The Beeb is consistently anti-American, anti-war, anti-Israel, anti-Western values, anti-free enterprise, anti-globalism, anti-fees-for-anything, pro-third world, pro-statism, pro-UN – you name it. Suggest that there may be positive aspects to George W Bush or two sides to issues such as global warming, pay equity and the minimum wage and you might as well speak in tongues. There are individual thinkers on air – Andrew Neil and Tom Mangold come to mind – but the pattern is unequivocal. According to the Guardian, the BBC's current notion of fairness is to ring up Tariq Ali citing the Hutton report and a "need for a more balanced panel" in order to cancel what must be his 1,537th BBC appearance.
Barbra Amiel on the BBC.

What one portrays in his art is the totality of life. The Christian is the really free man - he is free to have imagination. This is our heritage. Our imagination should fly beyond the stars.
Francis Schaeffer.

For the sake of argument
Say Jerry Springer were the president
"No inhibitions" the national theme
There'd still be one thing making Donahue scream
Taboo
We've come to the last taboo
There's an audible gasp
When you claim there's a God who's objectively true
It's taboo
Party on, let freedom ring
For the shock jocks and the gangsta kings
But mention Jesus in the public square
The tables turn and the tempers flare
Taboo
That's a no can do taboo
And the ACLU say when we sneeze could we please drop the "God Bless You"
It's taboo
God isn't really dead
He's under house arrest
Will Amnesty protest?
No, I don't think so
I could kiss a kangaroo
Stick my spitz on your shih tzu
No on blinks at anything I do
Until I claim the resurrection is true
Taboo
I'm breaking the last taboo
How about you?
Do you claim Jesus name as the ultimate truth?
Taboo
From 'Taboo' by Ian Eskelin.

Money, position, power; mean nothing. You come in with your character and you leave with your character.
Iain Duncan Smith.

Give a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Rich Lush.

Don't use the wobbler.
Jonno Bright to Ed Dampier (referring to the tremolo arm).

I can see the Shires, but I don't know where it is.
Anna Jenkin. With thanks to Dave Goodman

No one can read the Gospels without feeling the actual presence of Jesus. His personality pulsates in every word. No myth is filled with such life.
Albert Einstein, The Saturday Evening Post (October 26th 1929)

Either this man was, and is, the Son of God: or else a madman or something worse. You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill Him as a demon; or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about Him being a great human teacher. He has not left that option open to us. He did not intend to.
C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, p. 56.

If Socrates lived and died like a philospoher, Jesus lived and died like a god.
Jean-Jaques Rosseau (1712-1778).

Nazism, Stalinist communism, and radical Islam are, to be sure, different from each other, but they also have a certain similarity: all three aim, or aimed, at exclusive control over the world, all three oppose or opposed all expressions of democracy, and all three attacked Jews, though in different ways and with different grades of extremism.
Professor Yehuda Bauer, Academic Advisor to Yad Vashem, Jerusalem.

The trade of advertising is now so near perfection that it is not easy to propose any improvement.
Samuel Johnson, 1758. With thanks to Dr Jennifer Smith.

There is simply no difference between 50 Cent, Wyclef Jean and Black Eyed Peas. Except for the amount of times each one of them has been shot.
Jeremy Clarkson.

Surely praise and thanksgiving are ever to be the great characteristics of the Christian life.
Martin Lloyd-Jones. With thanks to Steve Lancaster.

If I had been with him any longer, I would have been compelled to be a Christian, and he never spoke to me about it at all.
Sir Henry Stanley on David Livingstone. With thanks to Steve Lancaster.

Saint Augustine taught that God created the world out of nothing. Creation was something like the magician pulling a rabbit out of a hat. Except God didn’t have a rabbit and He didn’t even have a hat.
R.C. Sproul. With thanks to Steve Lancaster.

It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt.
Anonymous. With thanks to Chris Neal.

You have loved us first, O God, alas! We speak in terms of history as if You loved us first but a single time, rather than without ceasing. You have loved us first many times and every day and our whole life through. When we wake up in the morning and turn our soul toward You- You are there first- You have loved us first; if I rise at dawn and at that same second turn my soul toward You in prayer, You are there ahead of me, You have loved me first. When I withdraw from the distractions of the day and turn my soul toward You, You are there first and thus forever. And we speak ungratefully as if you have loved us first only once.
Soren Kierkegaard.

Everything is enwraped in love, and is part of a world produced, not by mechanical necessity, but by a passionate desire.
Julian of Norwich.

If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.
C.S. Lewis.

If war is ever lawful, then peace is sometimes sinful.
C.S. Lewis.

To cut a long story short, don't tell it.
Anon.

Time you've enjoyed wasting wasn't wasted.
John Lennon. With thanks to Ashley Vaughan.

Make sure everyone leaves you, feeling happier.
Mother Teresa of Calcutta. With thanks to Ashley Vaughan.

You can't put a price on comedy.
David Brent, The Office.

You can't put sugar on your Frosties, you'll get dyslexia!
Josh Radford to Peter Dixon, Hungarton Camp 2004. With thanks to Joey Radford.

We must not measure ourselves by ourselves. If we do, we shall always be small. Measure yourself by the will of God, the great measurement that God brings to you. Don't be fearful. He wants to make us strong, powerful, stalwart, resolute, resting upon the authority of God.
Smith Wigglesworth.

I don't know if it's uncool for someone in rock music to just be really happy, but I am.
Ian Eskelin.

How sweet all at once it was for me to be rid of those fruitless joys which I had once feared to lose! You drove them from me and took their place, you who are sweeter than all pleasure, O Lord my God, my wealth, my salvation.
St Augustine.

I admire Tony Blair. I think he's made mistakes but if you don't make mistakes you don't make anything.
Lord Bragg.

There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way."
C.S. Lewis.

We are seeing lives change, we really are. We are seeing disciples being made. Not just people coming down the front to give their lives to Jesus and then we never see them again. We are seeing great lasting fruit. We divide things, we think there is a Christian music industry and a secular one. I think that’s crap. I think it’s just people, and they are looking for something and we’ve got it. If God has touched our lives, we can touch others.
Peter Furler, Newsboys.

People who brag about having an open mind should close it occasionally and think.
Anon.

Egotism is an anaesthetic that dull the pain of stupidity.
Unknown. With thanks to Steve 'Ezbee' Bawden.

If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything.
Unknown. With thanks to Dean Wilkinson.

I hope our lives will be a testament to the people who follow us, and to the music business where never before have so many lost and sorrowful people gathered in one place pretending they're having a good time. It is our ambition to make more than good music.
Bono, aged 18 in a letter to his father, Bob Hewson.

I walked out to the hill just now. It is exalting, delicious, to stand embraced by the shadows of a friendly tree with the wind tugging at your coat-tail and the heavens hailing your heart, to gaze and glory and give oneself again to God - what more could a man ask? Oh, the fullness, pleasure, sheer excitement of knowing God on earth! I care not if I never raise my voice again for Him. Mayhap in mery He shall give me a host of children that I may lead them through the vast star fields to explore His delicacies whose finger-ends set them to burning. But if not, if only I may see Him, touch his garments, and smile into His eyes - ah then, not stars nor children shall matter, only Himself.
Jim Elliot. From Through Gates of Splendour. With thanks to Sarah Connolly.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Albert Einstein.

History exists to display God.
John Piper.

I love Andy Upton with all my heart.
Steve Bawden.

Look at him! He's so hot! If only I was gay...
BB St John on Jonny Richards.

What is both surprising and depressing is the sheer prayerlessness that characterises so much of the Western church. It is surprising, because it is out of step with the Bible that portrays what Christian living should be; it is depressing, because it frequently coexists with abounding Christian activity that somehow seems hollow, frivolous, and superficial. Scarcely less disturbing is that enthusiastic praying in some circles that overflows with emotional release but is utterly uncontrolled by any thoughtful reflection on the prayers of Scripture.
D. A. Carson.

...Effective prayer is the fruit of a relationship with God, not a technique for acquiring blessings.
D. A. Carson.

"The offetory song is what, Dan?"
"Jesus, You Alone."
"Jesus, You Alone... that's a good song."
"Haha!"
Roger Morgan and me, Promise serive, 22nd May 2005.

"I'm glad we don't speak French"
"Why?"
"Because I wouldn't understand you."
Steve Bawden and Jonny Richards, my house, 8th June 2005.

One of my patients had a Freudian slip the other day. He was having dinner with his wife and meant to say, "Darling, will you pass the salt please?", but he actually said, "You ruined my life, you bloodsucking shrew."
Niles, in Frasier.

Gloomy seasons of religious indifference and social sin are not exempted from the divine purpose. When the altars of truth are defiled, and the ways of God forsaken, the Lord's servants weep with bitter sorrow, but they may not despair, for the darkest eras are governed by the Lord, and shall come to their end at His bidding. What may seem defeat to us may be victory to Him.
C. H. Spurgeon, in The Night is Also Thine.

Would it be appropriate for me to comment on your perfume? It's very nice; I'd wear it.
Me to Ruth Clarke. I wouldn't include this in my collection, but people regularly quote It to me, so there it is.

Beer: Proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin.

If you have any noteworthy quotes, please e-mail me! Thanks.